Then and Now

January 8, 2014

I started 2013 with hopes and dreams of starting a family.  I built up this hope so much that it consumed me for the first half of 2013.  I went to the doctor, cut out certain foods, bulked up on certain other foods, took prenatal vitamins, got disappointed when my period showed up, drove my husband crazy–the whole shebang.
As 2013 progressed, my disappointment in not becoming a mother gradually started to fade.  I’m thankful that, despite our efforts (that makes raw, hot moments sound like such boring labor, doesn’t it?), we’re not parents at this moment in our lives.  Maybe it’s not meant to happen yet, or ever, and we’re both pretty okay with that.  If it happens, we’ll be happy. But we’re happy now, too.  I fell in love with my husband so much more this past year.  I’ve realized how much we truly live and fight for each other and, right now, I just want to take care of him and make sure his life is happy.
As I watched Sex and the City on a gray, Monday afternoon, a conversation was exchanged between Samantha and Carrie.  Carrie had questioned her future and whether or not babies were in the cards for her.

There are a lot of fabulous things in life that don’t include a baby. What would that be like? Well, him, sex, and travel. Comfort, love, and extraordinary adventures. Not too shabby.

The conversation seemed rather fitting.  I used to think having a baby would complete some sort of circle like that “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby” tune we used to sing in grade school.  But things really aren’t too shabby the way they are.  There is comfort, love, love and each day is an extraordinary adventure.
This past year made me realize that there’s so much more I want to create and so many other projects I want to take on. I want to grow as a creative mind and soul.  I want my husband to find us the perfect boat – he started his search for one and I know he won’t settle until he finds the one – so we can get back to the water this summer.  

I want to continue working behind the camera and improving my skills as a photographer.  I can’t wait until the weather turns warm and we can take our spontaneous afternoon trips or go walking on the boardwalk in the early evening after dinner and all we have to worry about is turning off the lights and locking the door behind us.  

I can’t wait to wake up on a Sunday morning and work in the garden with him again.  I hope our garden survives the winter because I’ve so enjoyed being outside this past summer, looking at our fruits, flowers and vegetables and thinking, “Wow!  We grew all of this!”  It was a great connection to nature.  It was so serene and peaceful and ours (as well as the occasional rabbit that wandered into our garden).  It was our time and I don’t know if we’re quite ready to give that up yet.  Although we’re not preventing it and we would be happy to expand our family, this moment, this right here, is good.  Really good.

I don’t know what 2014 will bring for me, for us.  As I leave 2013 behind me, I can only look forward and live in the now.  We’ll cross that other bridge if and when we get to it.


Leave a Reply